The Life and Time’s Up Of Lambert P. Lambert

 

  • 1891 – Birth of Lambert, son of Frank, daughter of Ethel, child of play, creature of the night, revenge of the swamp thing.
  • Shows increasing interest and talent in art; mother enrolls him in banking school.
  • Joins the German war effort and receives the distinguished Medal of Honor for shiny boots and a spiffy hairdo. Later receives a purple heart for hygiene above and beyond the call of duty.
  • Returns to banking school where he masters the bounced cheque. Makes his way to Berlin which is where he started from and, utilizing his accumulated fiduciary knowledge, sets up a counterfeiting ring.
  • Meets and marries Mary St. Germain, a Spanish girl from Holland.
  • Divorces Mary. Remarries Mary, a Dutch girl from Holland.
  • Divorces Mary.
  • Divorces her again.
  • Marries and divorces Mary simultaneously, to save time.
  • The annulment comes through.
  • Begins work on a shallow but confused autobiography entitled Hitler: The Red Menace.
  • Police discover counterfeit bills and warn the German people not to accept any currency with a portrait of the Kaiser resembling a “white-bread bun with sesame-seeds on top”.
  • Lambert is on the lam from the law which is slow going until he switches to a horse.
  • Lambert, hiding unbeknownst to police in a poorly lit warehouse, is tricked by an ingenious detective who calls out “Lambert?”, to which Lambert replies “Yes?”. Receives the death penalty.
  • Released on good behavior. First thing he does upon release is find Mary and attempt to divorce her.
  • Makes spare money painting portraits of people on the street, then switches to canvas. Strangely, each portrait bears a striking resemblance to Richard Nixon. Attempts his first self-portrait, entitled sofa.
  • Publicly claims he came up with Cubism but swapped it with Picasso for a cigar.
  • Travels to Hollywood to oversee the film version of his life: Oklahoma.
  • Meets Einstein, tells him to get a haircut, and is introduced to mind altering drugs by a mutual friend. Tries his hand at songwriting , which goes rather well, so he tries his whole body, which becomes a major embarrassment. Claims he didn’t realize at the time he wrote the song Lysergic Acid Diethylamide it was an acronym for L.S.D.
  • Becomes an influential promoter for the Democratic party by backing the Republicans.
  • Dies in a car crash.
  • Is killed when his private plane careens into a bottomless chasm.
  • Stamped to death by a rutting emu.
  • Commits suicide.
  • Is ready to give up the ghost but the ghost isn’t ready.
  • Misquotes Shakespeare.
  • Mispronounces Shakespeare.
  • Presents Richard Nixon with a painting which appears to bare his likeness, although originally a portrait of Eva Braun.
  •  Undergoes plastic surgery; looks 20 years younger and can be used in most commercial microwaves.
  • Receives a doctorate like the one Sinatra got. As his acceptance speech, sings Danny Boy five times. In front of 52 million television viewers he refuses the Oscar, although none had been offered.
  • Gets sick.
  • Gets sicker.
  • Dies.
  • Gets really really sick.
  • Claims on his deathbed “I came in with Halley’s comet and I’ll go out with Halley’s comet” although neither statement is true.
  • Lambert is finally dead. He is given a 21 gun salute burial at sea down the streets of Harlem, buried in a small ceremony at Graceland, and has his ashes scattered over Rip Taylor.
  • investigative reporting:

  • Tony Award Winning Author J.P. Mortimer

  • Arthur "Arthur" Molt

  • Petey " " Silverfish

  • Bren & Sven

  • Nurface